i am filled with gratitude. Some friends have been helping me with my studio – doing a job i can’t: paint the outside of it. For four years, it has looked more like a scary garage than a Studio and Showroom because i cannot manage to paint it myself. A latex allergy keeps me away from most forms of house paint, which frustrates me because before the allergy became crippling, i enjoyed painting quite a lot. While life as an artist has kept me in food, clothes, clay and art supplies, it has not left me with thousands of extra dollars to pay professional painters.
Now the edifice has transformed! The front side of the studio has now been painted! The side facing the road is scheduled to be be done the first week of November (weather permitting)! i sing and dance with joy!
As they worked, part of me felt a wave of sorrow that i couldn’t be out there helping them help me, but then i realized – this was a fantastic moment for me to allow two lessons to settle into my awareness.
First, no matter how much i attempt to coax myself into believing that i’m totally independent and fierce, i actually depend upon the kindness of others quite a lot. When i fall into the most lonely places, all i can see is solitude enveloping me and remain blind to the great oceans of friendship in which i swim. The fact that the kindness of other finds its way to me absolutely thrills me and leaves me ridiculously grateful.
Second, this proved to me that i am still committed to my work no matter how many spasms of anxiety and fear i have been enduring the past two weeks. Thankfully, the thought “Oh, my God! No one is ever going to buy my art again! This life of joy and bliss is over!” doesn’t charge through my mind as often as it did in the beginning, but when it does it leaves me limping for a few moments. The realization that i am just a beginner as far as running a small business goes can also leave me shaken. Leaps like this prove to my doubts that i am continuing to learn and move forward despite them.
Seeing (from a safe distance) the studio transform into this beautiful bright yellow and blue, looking more like a business than it ever has before, leaves me grinning ear to ear. One side down, two more to go.