i woke up twice this morning to radically different days. The first awakening came at 6:58, on the heels of a terrible dream in which i confronted people who had wounded me, all the way back to the earliest days of childhood. Don’t we all want answers when confronted with incomprehensible behavior? The writer in me gets preoccupied with motivation. Some forms of abuse and cruelty appear meaningless to me. My brain stops in its tracks when confronted by such actions. i cannot comprehend them.
At first, i thought my subconscious was engaging in wish fulfillment. Like a reporter asking questions, much more calm and dispassionate than i expected, i begged them to let me know why they perceived me as someone they could hurt, why they had stopped caring about me, how i became someone who could be written off so easily. Only, as it unfolded i could see i had become a ghost in my own dream. None of them answered me, which is what made it a nightmare. More than ignoring me, they each in turn acted as though i had never existed. i finally struggled into wakefulness, overcome with powerlessness and solitude and irrelevancy. Tight muscles barely allowed me to struggle out of bed.
i had hoped to see the eclipse, but clouds covered the sky. Given my mood, it struck me like a slap. i fell as low as i have been in months. It took everything i had to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my misery. For once, i lacked the energy to fight the misery or the doom-drenched thoughts that my subconscious had brought up. i allowed them to wash over me without struggle and start filling up the room around me. After probably an hour of agonizing, thoughtless sorrow, i fell asleep.
The next time i woke up, spontaneously and effortlessly, it was a few minutes before nine. Instantly, i could tell the day had transformed into something radically different – so much so i wondered if i had somehow slept through Sunday. i cannot remember what dreams i had, if any. As far as i can tell, no great and abiding answers to the griefs of life seeped into my awareness during that hour or so of unconsciousness. However, i vividly recall the sunlight pouring through the window and washing over my face, the way the dog’s nose felt as he nudged exposed fingertips, the wild purr of delight as my youngest cat figured out how to burrow under the covers, and the warm comfort of being tucked inside comforter and quilt. Possibility occupied the emptiness left by mourning’s departure.
Today has been hard physically. i mixed seven batches of glaze – that’s roughly 10 pounds of dry ingredients per bucket i had to gather from the raw ingredients. This involves numbers which always cause some anxiety. After i finish this blog, i will begin adding the water and mixing these contained heaps of powder into true glazes. Happily, my job has been made easier by help: another gathered water, cleaned the mixing buckets and sieves and picked up the last few ingredients i needed for the last two colors of glaze. i am grateful for the help, but the task still daunts me.
Unfortunately for everyone within a three mile radius, this is also the second day during which i have completely avoided any kind of simple carbohydrates, and believe you me, my body is angry about the lack of sugar. Even more annoying, my ego keeps kvetching about the need to revert to the strict food laws that i lived with for years.
That said, after the second morning, all the burdens, chores and complaints felt smaller. Manageable. Irritating to the point of chafing, but not debilitating.
As i finish up writing, the sun is still shining. The spark of optimism that the sun worked into my psyche has been encouraged by my determination and taken root.
Now i get to watch Netflix and Hulu while i add water to powder, mix well, sieve until smooth and thus create glaze.